Spirit = Joy

I spent last weekend at Sonia Choquette's Traveling at the Speed of Love retreat at Unity Village. I've never had such fun at a retreat before. According to Sonia, we primarily experience Spirit as laughter and joy, and boy, did we ever get immersed! Sonia gave us tools for living life at the speed of love: We danced, we breathed (ha!), we named our Spirit and our ego/pet, we worked in small groups, we watched her guide folks thru transformations, we named what we wanted to experience next, etc.

All this week I have been on a high from the retreat. Not even the possibility of being laid off or having my pay and/or hours cut changed my mindset. I am determined to be joyful thru this experience no matter what. We won't know anything for sure until at least the next 2 weeks and maybe even the next few months. Nothing like living in the question!

Spirit is my Source. I happen to love my coworkers and I believe in the work we do. That being said, I know that if this channel of abundance closes, even partially, there will be other channels that open for me. There will be more opportunities to share my particular gifts.

I am not unrealistic. I have unemployed relatives and friends. The employment picture is not a pretty one right now. Yet I believe I can be more productive and creative with a postive attitude than a negative one.

Convention is here!
Our annual convention is next week. This could be my last one as an employee of Unity Worldwide Ministries. I don't know. No one knows.

I love convention! It's a chance to shmooze with folks from all over. Unity folks are generally huggy people. Lots of endorphin highs all week long. Lots of workshops, keynote speakers, lunches and dinners with folks I love, sharing information about what services we provide for you, plus the business meeting. There are long days, for sure, but they are filled with energy, inspiration and connection. Those of us in the home office staff look forward to this time every year.

In the midst of of all of this is Spirit, moving through everyone, showing up in diverse, creative, unique ways. If you are at convention in Overland Park this year, I'll be the one in a perpetual dance party!

Teacher in a Box

I’m a licensed Unity teacher who doesn’t teach. There. I’ve said it.

I’ve been struggling lately with my involvement in my church. After over 12 years of being in leadership, I backed away while I was taking classes at the Kansas City Art Institute. It felt good to get a break from at least one commitment.

Now I’m recovering from back surgery and looking at just what do I really want to do. What up next for this part of my life? This blog is one thing. Writing more is another.

What about teaching? I decided in second grade that I did not want to become a teacher. I was the baby in my family by ten and a half years, so I grew up in a household of relative adults. Children’s teasing and misbehaving were confusing to me since that wasn’t a part of my interactions in my household. I didn’t know how to respond.

I’m sure it was a normal part of the relationship between my brother and sister, but not between them and me. My sister babysat me. It was more an adult –to-child relationship than a sibling-to-sibling one.

The thought of being in charge of a classroom terrified me. I took classes at Unity for my own personal and spiritual growth and finished the class requirements but no more. I never intended to become a teacher.

Tap, Tap, Tap

Then I got the proverbial “tap on the shoulder.” Many of you know what I mean. When God speaks, you listen. The first time it happened to me earlier in my life, I argued. Then I cried and argued and tried to ignore. It didn’t work. I did what I was told to do. The result wasn’t what I expected, but the lessons were legion.

So this time when the tap came, I skipped the arguing and explored how to finish becoming a licensed Unity teacher. I taught the classes I need to become certified, enjoyed myself, but haven’t officially taught much since then. Why?

I grew up in a time when the prevailing teaching mode was lecture-only. Since working at Unity Worldwide Ministries, I’ve been well-taught by passionate educators that the ways to bring alive the material are only limited by my imagination. I learned about multiple intelligences and diverse teaching and learning methods. My teachers have been Anna Andes, Kathy Kellogg, Jane Simmons, Diane Venzera and Deborah Frownfelter, among others. So much passion and knowledge poured out of them, that I felt like a pretender in the education department. Who was I to teach among these giants?

I was an art history major with a love of writing. I didn’t take one education class in college. Many of my friends were special education majors. It was a specialty of my small, Catholic, all-girl college. But I was not among that group of people who were passionate about kids and passionate about teaching.

A Different Kind of Hang-Over

I think my reticence is really a hang-over from the old model of teaching, as if that is the “real” way and the newer ones I’ve been taught are pretenders to the throne. I don’t want to do it the old way, so I’m not going to do it. It also brings up the “I’m never going to be a teacher” idea from my 7-year-old self.

Wow! Who takes advice from a 7-year-old? I guess I have been without realizing it. I’m still playing with the idea of “what do I do now,” (I mistyped and said “know” instead of “now.” Freudian slip?) and it might include teaching in some form.

I do love to discuss spiritual ideas with like-minded folks, and isn’t that what teaching really is? Sharing ideas and stretching your mind around concepts that are different from yours? Seeing the world from a slightly different perspective after a conversation/class? Knowing yourself or others a slight bit better than you did before?

Maybe we’re all teaching and learning all the time without realizing it. Maybe this isn’t so hard after all. Maybe it’s time to let my teacher out of the box I’ve held her in. Anyone got an apple for my desk?

Trust in the Process

What does it mean to “trust in the process” when the evidence is contrary to what you want or expect? I’m recovering from back surgery. I had a cyst removed that was causing sciatica for over four months.

The bliss I felt the first few days of not having my left leg tingle gave way to apprehension at the first signs of pain returning. As the days went on and the old pain increased, so did my fear and dread.

Here I was, experiencing the post-op pain from the surgery incision and the pre-op pain at the top of my leg. This is not what I expected. This isn’t following my script for how it is supposed to play out.

A Monday-morning call to the doctor’s office gave me assurance that all was well. M nerves just need time to re-route. Add some ibuprofen and sit on ice or heat─whatever makes me happy and works.

So today the pain is much less and I’m more hopeful. But the fact is I am having trouble focusing on the Truth of my wholeness. As a Truth student, I expect more from myself. I hold myself to a high standard: Focus only on the Truth. I’m falling well below my accepted standard.

Do I trust, or do I only trust when life follows my script? Which means, really, that I don’t trust at all─that I want to be in control.

Darn! There’s that old control issue coming up again. I don’t like to admit to being a control freak. I’m not always. Sometimes I’m really laid back and open to whatever. Honest.

Yet there are times, like now, when I’m in the unknown, and the little “me” is scared. My fallback reaction is to take charge. It removes some of the unknown because I get to decide what happens.

But healing is different. I can’t control my body processes as easily as I can make decisions. I can certainly influence my body processes, yet my body does seem to have a mind and a will of its own. We need to cooperate with each other, my body and I, to be in synch.

In metaphysics, we sometimes think that we can (or should) ignore the facts and they will go away. That’s false denial. The true power of denial is looking at the facts and not allowing them to sway us from trusting in the Truth.

It’s not my use of affirmations that needs to be beefed up. It’s my use of denial that needs a revamp.

I’ve tried to ignore the pain. “I’m not really feeling this. Nope. It’s not there … Ouch!” As Dr. Phil asks, “How’s that working for you?” Not well.

The presence of old pain doesn’t fit into my script. The big question for me now is, how do I accept the existence of old pain even in the midst of healing? Maybe my script is too limited, too linear.

Healing─and life─is more complex, more nuanced, more textural, and more interesting than I was allowing for. My script called for a simple, linear healing process. Ha!

The universe is more creative than that. My script is inadequate. I would like to say that I need to expand my script, but honestly, I’m questioning why I feel the need to have a script. It goes back to the need for control.

What does a script-less life look like? My body just shuddered at the prospect. Literally shuddered. Wow. That’s somewhat disappointing and very telling.

Looks like someone needs to pay attention in the silence, because if I knew mySelf better, I would trust in the process of life.

If I listened more, I wouldn’t feel the need to take charge and forge ahead. I hate to admit it, but without listening, I’m not really forging ahead. I’m stumbling blindly away from my discomfort because anywhere feels better than here. Sigh.

“I’m so glad we had this time together.” Thanks for listening. May your day be filled with new ideas for your life, and may you listen to them.

Avoidance

So I took a class on The Art and Practice of Living with Nothing and No One Against You. We covered the basics over 4 weeks and I got the workbook. I planned to do the 21-day practice starting when the class ended. I was looking forward to continuing the process with my classmates.

Before starting the worksheets, you are supposed to do a self-assessment. You do another one at the end of the 21 days. I started to read the instructions for the assessment ... and I fell asleep! Sure, I worked late that day and my eyes were tired, but, really?

Well, I won't let myself do a worksheet until that assessment is done. This is now 2 weeks later and it's still not done. Folks, this isn't procrastination. It's avoidance, plain and simple.

I  thought I was taking the class for spiritual growth. I thought I was going to dig deep and discover more about myself and how my subconscious thinks. Apparently my subconscious is happy with the way things are, mainly that it runs my reactions while my conscious mind remains in the dark. Hmmm.

I think I am going to have to show it who is in charge here. Excuse me. I have a self-assessment to finish.

My Story

We read the Daily Word each morning at the start of our work day at Unity Worldwide Ministries. The “word” for Monday, March 1, 2011, was My Story.  During the time of silence, I started thinking about how differently I see people from how they see themselves and vice versa.

I see people as capable, loving, confident, etc. yet when I tell them that, they are surprised and start explaining that they “really” are insecure, not as good as I think they are, etc. Funny, but it works that way with their opinions of me too. I don’t think of myself at all in the positive terms that others think of me.

Why is there such a disconnect? I think it’s because others can’t hear my monkey mind and I can’t hear theirs. Wouldn’t it be nice to become deaf to the negative chatter in our minds, or to have an off/off switch? (Why would you ever want to turn it on?)

They see me as how I show up, not how the Negative Nellie inside my head tells me I am. I wish I had a pair of earphones that could override that inner whine with a positive stream of affirmations. The hard task is to shift our inner critics into coaches so that our inner stories match the outer stories of how we show up.

We are so much better than we give ourselves credit for. For today, I will rewrite My Story from the perspective of my divine Coach and champion. I am created in the image of God, therefore those attributes such as magnificence, love, health, vitality, creativity, joy, etc. all belong to me too.

What story can we write with those words? I’ll bet it’s one we would much rather listen to all day than the tired, old story we have now. I’d love to hear your new stories.