Trust in the Process

What does it mean to “trust in the process” when the evidence is contrary to what you want or expect? I’m recovering from back surgery. I had a cyst removed that was causing sciatica for over four months.

The bliss I felt the first few days of not having my left leg tingle gave way to apprehension at the first signs of pain returning. As the days went on and the old pain increased, so did my fear and dread.

Here I was, experiencing the post-op pain from the surgery incision and the pre-op pain at the top of my leg. This is not what I expected. This isn’t following my script for how it is supposed to play out.

A Monday-morning call to the doctor’s office gave me assurance that all was well. M nerves just need time to re-route. Add some ibuprofen and sit on ice or heat─whatever makes me happy and works.

So today the pain is much less and I’m more hopeful. But the fact is I am having trouble focusing on the Truth of my wholeness. As a Truth student, I expect more from myself. I hold myself to a high standard: Focus only on the Truth. I’m falling well below my accepted standard.

Do I trust, or do I only trust when life follows my script? Which means, really, that I don’t trust at all─that I want to be in control.

Darn! There’s that old control issue coming up again. I don’t like to admit to being a control freak. I’m not always. Sometimes I’m really laid back and open to whatever. Honest.

Yet there are times, like now, when I’m in the unknown, and the little “me” is scared. My fallback reaction is to take charge. It removes some of the unknown because I get to decide what happens.

But healing is different. I can’t control my body processes as easily as I can make decisions. I can certainly influence my body processes, yet my body does seem to have a mind and a will of its own. We need to cooperate with each other, my body and I, to be in synch.

In metaphysics, we sometimes think that we can (or should) ignore the facts and they will go away. That’s false denial. The true power of denial is looking at the facts and not allowing them to sway us from trusting in the Truth.

It’s not my use of affirmations that needs to be beefed up. It’s my use of denial that needs a revamp.

I’ve tried to ignore the pain. “I’m not really feeling this. Nope. It’s not there … Ouch!” As Dr. Phil asks, “How’s that working for you?” Not well.

The presence of old pain doesn’t fit into my script. The big question for me now is, how do I accept the existence of old pain even in the midst of healing? Maybe my script is too limited, too linear.

Healing─and life─is more complex, more nuanced, more textural, and more interesting than I was allowing for. My script called for a simple, linear healing process. Ha!

The universe is more creative than that. My script is inadequate. I would like to say that I need to expand my script, but honestly, I’m questioning why I feel the need to have a script. It goes back to the need for control.

What does a script-less life look like? My body just shuddered at the prospect. Literally shuddered. Wow. That’s somewhat disappointing and very telling.

Looks like someone needs to pay attention in the silence, because if I knew mySelf better, I would trust in the process of life.

If I listened more, I wouldn’t feel the need to take charge and forge ahead. I hate to admit it, but without listening, I’m not really forging ahead. I’m stumbling blindly away from my discomfort because anywhere feels better than here. Sigh.

“I’m so glad we had this time together.” Thanks for listening. May your day be filled with new ideas for your life, and may you listen to them.